White boy eating pocky: Now, the most important rule of pocky is this -- do not let Asian kids know that you have pocky, because they will rape you for it, and then you will not have anymore pocky.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAH
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Cop: What?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
--Times Square
(lolol we should totally do that.)
Dude #1: Did you fuck Josie yet?
Dude #2: Nah, not even a kiss.
Dude #1: I'll tell her you have the rhino cock.
Dude #2: But then when she sees it, won't she be disappointed?
Dude #1: That's a valid point.
--Shake Shack
Black guy #1: Yes, well, we look alike because we're fraternal twins.
Black guy #2: Yeah, you didn't know we were brothers?
White guy: Everyone said you guys were brothers, but I figured they meant 'brothas' and not actual brothers.
Black guy #1: Oh... Okay.
--LIRR, Shea Stadium
Mother: Don't you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?
--Union Square
(lol this was titled: Buddha was a hard kid to raise)
Guy #1: Dude. Don't hold my hand; that is so gay.
Guy #2: Ok, so I can suck your dick, but not hold your hand?
--Outside Down The Hatch, 4th St & 6th Ave
Man: I just don't get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.
--13th & 3rd
Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn't know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It's not a burqa, it's a poncho. I'm Jewish. It's for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.
--53rd & 7th
Yuppie woman, bumping into a man: Sorry.
Man: Don't say sorry. This is New York. Nobody says sorry.
Woman: What do you want me to say? Fuck you??
Man: That's better. This is New York. Who says sorry?
Woman: Fuck you.
--Bryant Park
Woman #1: I don't know how I'm gonna get Bernie to go down on me. I've even tried waxing.
Woman #2: Maybe you can tattoo a little Yankees logo down there.
Woman #1: Are you kidding? It would be a holy object. He would kneel and make burnt offerings.
Woman #2: At least he would be kneeling. That's a start.
--Williamsburg
lol newyork sounds pretty awesome to me already.
honey you cannot afford me
the one who got away
i'd like to take a slow boat to china
the baker
trent!!
lil missdrinkalot
tres bitchy
fuggers
secret wank shed
blood ninja