i think there is something innate in me that cannot be constrained in a house. it's totally not because i hate staying at home. staying at home has been awesome - it's just that staying at home makes me feel hermity, and i start thinking that the world outside is so big and scary and i just don't want to go outside. not even to get lunch. isn't that really strange. but i sort of understand how s feels now.
speaking of which i'm feeling really disappointed. in particular with friendship. i don't know if i'm just putting words into my own mouth, and stretching my abilities beyond what i would do for a friend, but it seems like some favours which i would do for some of the friends i really love, are not decisions that are reciprocated. and there are other friends whom i have to constantly chase after to meet up, and friends who just do disappearing acts on me. friends who cannot go the extra inch (not even mile) for you, friends who cannot make time for you, friends whom you have no idea if you can trust, friends whom hurt you intentionally because they cannot take criticism, regardless of its well-meaning (and dang, you asked for it). friends who judge you constantly, and let you feel the brunt of this judgement. friends who feel their schedule is important to accomodate you. crying and i love yous, or even i miss yous just don't work for me anymore. it's not distance or lack of time that matters, it is an inherent flaw in our friendship that we have ignored for a very long time. maybe you have not been aware of it, but i have, and now i see what completely different souls we have.
you are sensible and have a good head on your shoulders, but you are so goddamned delusional. and so full of bullshit. and it never occurred to me, but why should you be annoyed that i swear in front of you? i put the limits at swearing in the name of your lord, i would never do that - but why can't i say fuck in your presence? will your saintly ears wilt? i never said i to you directly, because i wasn't angry until i thought about it later. why should i constrain myself in your territory? it's just a word.
making time. it's not fitting people into schedules. it's going to places for people. making an extra trip, going out of the way for someone you call your friend and love. is love something you MUST fit into a plan? is love something like "i am so sad you're leaving" in an SMS? love is spontaneous, love is being excited together; i can't remember how long it's been since you've been excited about it. you tell me, i don't know what you've changed into. thank you, am i frankestein? you are so judgmental that i am sick of it. when i tell you my problems, you point out - am i the root of my problems? even when i don't think so, you remark overtly that i am. someone once said that you have to surround yourself with people who LIFT you up, make you feel good about yourself, remind you of what you can do. unfortunately around you, you are so damn competitive that everything is about what you can do. the good grade you got. the compliment someone gave you. even a criticism about yourself is backhanded flattery. i don't think we exist on similar platforms anymore. i don't know whether i should use present or past tense. maybe future. but i thought/think that you were a really good and non-conniving person who had a huge heart to forgive. maybe you do have a huge heart, but you have a damn narrow mind.
i sound really angsty now, and i suspect it's the PMS (the hormones REALLY do go haywire)
unfortunately two friends are at the end of my constant whining and emo-ing. argh, sorry. i wish this would tide over soon, but i cannot help but feel disappointed that all my expectations in these couple of friends have been let down.
i need a margarita.
honey you cannot afford me
the one who got away
i'd like to take a slow boat to china
the baker
trent!!
lil missdrinkalot
tres bitchy
fuggers
secret wank shed
blood ninja