kiss my buttocks*~ heh heh

thanks for the love, people
2008-06-05 - 11:09 a.m.

for all of my thick-skinned retarded behaviour, i am pretty thin-skinned when it comes to er... i dunno. blatant expressions of love. and yet i demand it, so i have no idea what kind of weirdo i am. i really like writing when i have the impulse but if you noticed, i have been restraining this impulse more often in the last couple of months. no real idea why, but i suppose i'm quite a personal writer and i wanted to keep my thoughts to myself. cos you know, spilling your secrets into someone is a little bit like pouring your soul into that person - great example being ginny weasley falling prey to voldemort when she wrote her feelings into this diary of his in the second harry potter novel. through knowing her secrets, he somehow managed to feed on her soul. not a comic interlude here, i find the parallel startlingly accurate and the crux of it has made me ponder a lot about friendship and its plural worths. recently. the thing is that i tend to think that i demand things from friendships which i think i rightly deserve, same for friend and i do think that i provide for these "demands" without being asked to do so. but not anyone thinks the same, and i'm trying to stop demanding because it's strenuous on myself, friend, and friendship. friend here is not alone - she/he just represents a few different people. anyway, the point is that i have stopped writing so often because often i write about what i expect, and this creates unnecessary tensions and pressures.

but in the midst of feeling disappointed by expectations, these last couple of days have made me incredibly happy and touched. and made me realize how incredibly bad i am at expressing myself verbally, face-to-face. i'm hardly a good writer, which is why i'm appalled that i write better than i express, therefore making my expression skills virtually naught haha. i totally didn't expect for a farewell and didn't want it for (partially) the reason that i am embarrassed by overt expressions of love. i just realized i am very thin-skinned when it comes to people telling me they love me - i can never quite know how to reply. and i sound awkward even when i do reply in the affirmative - at least to my ears. but the people who have been ringing me, hanging out with me, helping to have "farewells" for me, you have completely invalidated my very angsty thoughts of friendship for the last few weeks or so. i guess liping was right in the sense that friends will appear during the right moments.

i didn't want to be sent off at the airport because i hate to think that this is a farewell. i don't want anything to end. thank you so much for making me feel like a complete fool to wonder about where all my friends have been because you all have always been right beside me, in front of me, supporting me from behind. i was just too busy idealizing in my little world to notice, but now i know. i honestly never thought i will feel like i miss anything or anyone in singapore simply because there's skype, phone calls, emails, blogs, tagboards, facebook. but while i am in all of your company, i feel like i miss you guys already.

smooch ||arse